Thursday, October 4, 2012

Struggles

Once again I have been a terrible blogger but I haven't really been in the mood to blog and I will tell you why. 

I am a more private person so when I struggle in life I tend not to talk to anyone about it except Eric (obviously), maybe my family and some close friends. I don't like to feel like people should listen to my problems or what I am going through because they are probably going through some hard times as well so who am I to be a downer and make life harder for them. But this last thing has been a little harder for me to handle. For people who don't follow my blog Eric and I were not planning on having Trent. He was a very big (wonderful) accident. So I just assumed that when we did start to try and have baby #2, it wouldn't be hard/take us very long since we seemed to be just fine in that department. I didn't want to start trying for baby #2 until March of this year or around that time because those of you who know Trent know he is A LOT. He just has so much energy and I love it, but at times can be exhausting. I figured if we started trying for baby #2 around March and if we were to get pregnant right off the bat, they would be around 3 years apart. Sounds wonderful to me.

But things don't always happen how I would want them to. Long story short, Eric and I decided Trent needed a sibling closer than 3 years apart. So since the beginning of July we have been trying. Yes, I realize that I just basically announced to the world that I am having a lot of sex but you will get over it. (I always hated those people who would tell others they were trying because you just told everyone that you are doing the dirty a lot and no one wants to hear that.) Anyway, the hard part about this is I am not a 28 day gal for my periods. They have always been sporadic and that has made the process harder than I expected. The worst part about this process (which no one ever told me about) is it is basically a waiting game. Have lots of sex, oh but don't be stressed out, try and plan out which days I think I might be ovulating while at the same time trying to make our sex life interesting and not just a chore and then wait and hope you are pregnant and then if it doesn't happen do it all over again the next month. The other part to this is I am a member of a family which means my life in many ways does not revolve around me. There are people and things to consider and since I try not to be a selfish person I take those things into account which makes the pressure worse even though I have everyone around me saying "don't plan your life around others".  Easier said than done.

So we played the waiting game for 2 months and finally I found out I was pregnant. Oh how exciting! But at the same time I was cautious. With Trent we told people right away when I was 5 weeks. Never a doubt in my mind that anything would go wrong but for some reason with this pregnancy I wanted to wait until 10 weeks to tell the world. We told our family and some really close friends but that was it. One morning I called my mom because I was so anxious about miscarrying for some reason. Something just didn't feel right but after talking to my mom, she reassured me and made me feel a ton better (that's what mom's are for right?) The next day Trent got really sick with hand, foot and mouth and we had to take him to the doc that night because he had a fever of 104.4 with Ibuprofen in him. The doc advised pigybacking Tyelonol with Ibuprofen every three hours since his fever was so high and she didn't want to know what would happen if the medicine wore off. So, that night, I woke up every three hours to give Trent some medicine. The next morning my Mom came down to help with me Trent since I was exhausted and he was really not feeling well. I went to go take a nap and woke up to some cramping which isn't usually a reason for concern. I got up and went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding. The realization hit that I was having a miscarriage. 

The rest of the week was a range of emotions that follows with a miscarriage. I would be fine one moment and then the next bawling. I felt like I had done something wrong or that it was my fault even though I know there was nothing I could do. I was 5 weeks when I miscarried. These past couple of months have not been easy for me. It's been hard to go through the process of trying, succeeding and then losing. It can be a really defeating process and the thought of going through this all again is a little daunting at times. It's hard to not wonder if there is something wrong with me or if we can have any more kids. Maybe Trent was a miracle. Those thoughts are always in the back of my mind but I try really hard to not let them get me down. I think the biggest reason why I am taking this so hard is, I never thought It would happen to me. I always assumed that since Trent was an accident that I would get pregnant right off the bat and everything would be just roses and candy and everything would work out perfectly. I for, some reason, didn't think it would be this involved or this hard. Joke's on me I guess. 

I don't usually share things this personal with the world but I felt, for some reason, that I needed to. I know things will get better and hopefully easier.

2 comments:

Ree-Ree Writing said...

Chelsea, I wish I could give you a hug right now and make you laugh over stupid things even just for a moment to make you feel better. It is strange because just this morning, I was listening to the radio and one of the DJ's had struggled with infertility and miscarriages. She said that she felt horrible and blamed herself for a long time even though she knew it was out of her control. Eventually, she gave up and tried to go back to normal-- she said it was two weeks after she gave up, let it defeat her and withdrew from the idea of ever having children that she got pregnant. The stress, the worry, the attempting for that purpose is what she felt hindered her chances. Maybe, Trent came so easily because it was easy not to try. I know that is a very basic way of putting it and there is no way to get something to leave your mind completely; just know that focusing on it constantly may make it harder to attain. I love you and I know this will happen for you. Nothing can make what you have already experienced easier but you certainly are a strong person for speaking about it and you are certainly not alone in your struggles. Someday you will be looking at Trent playing with his little brother or sister and know that you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. Good luck and stay strong, I will pray for you and Eric. Love you.

Quinn and Becky Green said...

:( I'm so sorry. Trying can be very stressful. It took us about four months to get pregnant with Lincoln and it was almost constantly on my mind. Then I was really worried about miscarrying too. I didn't have a miscarriage, but one morning I was bleeding and thought I was having one and I was devastated. It was so much harder than I thought it would be and it wasn't even the real thing. So I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. But don't get too upset yet. I know lots of people who have miscarried with their second or third and then gone on to have several more healthy babies. I'm sure everything is fine with the plumbing and such. :)